An Unanswered Question?

These days i feel very exhausted as it seems i am constantly fighting....
Each day when i woke up, i see some horrific news on the first page of newspaper.
Some blasts and many killings all across the globe ....
Some other day about how the whole economy system is fallen apart due to the failures of 200 years old giant banks...

Some day i read about how the global warming will bring the end of days soon..

I don't know where the world is moving...who will survive and who won't....

But it seems that most of us are not struggling just for survival but even for acquiring more and more..
Many of us want to leave the impact of their presence in this world ...even after death...

All of us carry some big dreams ...

Some of us just want to feel the present moment , the flow of life..with whatever they have...

All of us entangled in the questions, like ,"Will i get the person whom i love most?"

"Will i get the position and status i am striving for?" "Will i get the satisfaction."

"Will i get the bread today?"
But then there are some who have only one question all time in their mind ”Who am I?”
They are not sure of their existence, their identity, their normality ....Some of such classes are Eunuchs, transgenders, gays...

Some 2 months back, when i was traveling back from Gwalior to Delhi in a train, a “Hijra” [Eunuch] came there in full makeup, kajal, lipstick and all that stuff...Unlike others it was well dressed and not so ugly looking. Unusually, he was asking for money very politely...no “Taali-Shaali”[clapping in rude manner ]. Unusually i felt a bit pity for it. As any other indian mentality, i simply gave some 10 bucks to it, without falling in any argument....

Most of us are also afraid of “Hijras”....
And take them with disgust an disrespect as they belong to some disassociated part of society...

So when most of the passengers were giving money to this hijra in the train due to all other feelings except kindness or pity...a 10 year old kid asked him a question, “Anuty aap uncle jaise kyun dikh rahe ho?”[Why are you looking like a male?] Then he said to his father,”Papa, yeh aunty se mujhe darr lag raha.Yeh uncle hain kya?
[Papa, I am afraid of her. Is she an Uncle?]

The child was innocent, so was the Hijra....and so was the question, only thing which was guilty there, it was the silence after it.....That was killing ...The father did not utter anything, the Hijra had a cool stare on the kid with wet eyes.I could not locate the exact feeling it had, in his eyes.
He left the coach without further collection...some of the idiots laughed at it....The question remained unanswered....

It has lasted for many centuries ...not sure how longer it will?

I thought more on this subject, and found that the mentality of the society has gone more shallow...

In Hindu mythology, Lord Shiva has been represented as ,” Ardh-Naarishwar”.
I believe that the its not about being only physically male or female...
It is about tough and soft part of your identity...
The struggling and loving part of your personality...
Every male has some female presence inside and vice versa...

I do have some female friends who carry very daring, adventurous and fighting attitude like males and then some of my male friends who are very soft at heart and cry even seeing the pain of some stray dog....

So each entity got a balanced ratio of both male and female feelings ….but yes in some cases, it turns out odd ...like physically they are masculine but they carry soft feelings... but it is not a sin ..

Being sexually unfit means that anybody is unfit to live in the society...I am amazed that when criminals, politicians and terrotists have right to live in this world then why not this class of society..

Today while surfing internet, a story of one such person, made me feel sorry for the mentality prevailing in this society for ages ...Yup i am also a part of this society..but the story had changed my mindset .....So i am dedicating this post to this senior of my college( MNIT, Jaipur), Gunraaj Dhaliwal...who now is Gazal Dhaliwal.. He has been one of the famous face of the college as he was a very good singer and orator....and yes one of the brightest student ....But i would agree that i too was in the crowd, who laughed at him, the way he used to walk or talk( a bit girlish it was)...I regret all my those remarks i made then....Now he has changed his sex from male to female and looks very beautiful....

Though now she is a female but yes, whatever she did, it required a lot of guts like male...that is to come forward, accept yourself, your truth and bring your correct identity in front of world and ask the whole world too accept it ..

We should understand the kind of feelings such people are going through..

Anyways, i would love to share the story of Gazal, with you guys.
please read following links :

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/transgendernews/message/26439

http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=PW481IJoBPo

Gazal you have answered the question which was raised some months back in the train.

Thanks for it !!!

But then there are so many other gazals, who too wants to be listened by us…..to be recognized by us…who do not have supporting parents, neither they are financially strong enough to bear these costly operations…lets try to understand them too!!

Pappu Can't Dance Saala!!

“Jaane tu, ya Jaane na” has entered in my favorite movie list.
These days “Pappu Can’t..” is on my mind completely.
Fantastic beats with very cool lyrics..........

I was able to relate with movie due to Rajput family background too.
It reminded me of my grandfather who always used to say, ”Beta pit ke mat aana kabhi verna main bhi pitai karunga.”[Don’t ever come beaten, otherwise I will also beat you.]

The “Bagheera bhaiyya” and the “Bhalu bhaiyya” in the movie reminded me of some of the freaks in my joint family at karauli, where we too have a haveli.
Anyways I will discuss about it sometime later.

Right now, the only thing which has been bothering me for days is, “Why Pappu can’t dance?”In the song Pappu has been described as a multi-talented person and truly speaking I would die to be like Pappu, but then if he is so talented, why can’t he dance?He is rich and he could easily have afforded some dance lessons from some experts like Shaimak Davar.

I think he can dance but he doesn’t want to.
I put myself in his shoe and analyzed situation from all perspectives.

Finally I came up with following possible reasons:

1) FEAR 2 CeleBRatE

One main cause may be fear to celebrate, socialize and party.
For last few years, I have seen that how Pappu has been loosing that fighting and struggling spirit which he had earlier.

Pappu now has seen world and realized how cheap life is.

The serial blasts in the nation, specifically in the cosmopolitan cities( Jaipur/ Ahemdabad/ Bangalore/ Delhi) have left terror among all. The night life of the cities has been engulfed by the darkness of terror. People are afraid to gather and celebrate. They are afraid of outing.

Pappu is no exception. During college days when he was more irresponsible, careless and naughty, his parents never cared about him but now he daily receives call from them and his parents make it sure that he has reached home before 10 in evening. During college he engaged in many brawls but now he avoid argument even from “cycle-wala”.

He does not carry valuables these days for these reasons. He has lost the spark of life because of terror. Seeing so many innocents losing lives without any reason has put him in shock. Some of them were close friends and some of unknown but all were bind with the relation of humanity. He is not sure that the governments or the police now can save his or his dear one’s life.

The system which he chose, paid all taxes to and respected in all manners by giving gifts and bribes is still unhappy with him and thus doesn’t care about his life. He can’t put his life on stake and celebrate causing worries and trauma to his dear family who are far apart. So he has actually left going to any party and celebration and thus is not having opportunity to dance.

2)SORRY, The DanCE FLoOr IS RESERVED

You forgot that Pappu carries “Sharma”, not “Yadav” or “Gurjar”.

Today when even air and water is being reserved in the basis of castes, he is left far behind as he belongs to General category. I heard last time that Govt has reserved space in the all the happening places too, including malls, pubs, restaurants and Discotheques. He does not carry any surname which can provide him some more space and opportunity to move freely.

So whenever he goes to disc, he simply just move because he has only that much space. I am damn sure like other fields, he is much more skilled in the dance also but yes, he is not getting the chance.

Whenever he tries to show his dance moves, he get jerks and kicks from others if his leg or hand crosses other’s reserved space. People dance over his feet. Frustrated from all this, he once left dancing. I am afraid one day he may leave this world too if he doesn’t get any opportunity to live. Hopefully government won’t put reservation tag on it.

3)LOneR

Pappu has grown up now. Earlier he had friends to laugh, fun and celebrate each moment of life. Now in the race of life, when every one is getting busy in their lives, he is alone.

He also has to bear the load of other’s expectations, his doesn’t matter much. He must also dream of flats and property in metros. He must have six figure salary. He must have a beautiful girlfriend. So Pappu is quite busy in meeting deadlines.Earlier he might have hit his feet on the floor but now only his fingers hit the keyboards.

Earlier he forgot time while dancing at hostel terrace on the birthday parties of hostel mates and even on the worst noisy sound tracks, but now he feels lonely even in the most happening discos. He miss all those previous moments.He misses his freinds and thus has left going there now. It seems crazy to him now. He finally forgot to shake his leg.

4)CArBoN FoOtPriNTS

His sister tinny, brought some special shoes for him from USA 2 years ago.

Shoes had carbon sole. Last time when Pappu danced, he simply rocked the stage. But he listened some noise from environmentalists that he has left so much carbon footprints in the environment which has melted the icebergs in arctic regions and has brought hurricanes in US. Indian government unaffected by Kosi flood but yes affected deeply by the US hurricanes finally put a ban on Pappu’s dancing.

NO CONCLUSION

I am not sure why Pappu doesn’t dance or Can't dance, but if any of the above reason is true then its really sad. I would say that Pappu should celebrate each moment of life, no matter how cheap life has become. I would suggest him to fight back and remove all fears from his mind.

I would suggest him to follow his heart, follow his wishes and expectations before others. I would suggest he should remain in touch with his friends. Relations only fade when you allow them to.

And finally, just shake your leg no matter how ugly you do it :)

Guys, If You have found any other reason for this question, please do post it in comment!!

Tales Of A Warrior

I scribbled down this piece few months back; when I got the chance to spend few days with my Nanaji (Maternal Grandfather).Though he is now no more, but his memories and his tales of bravery will inspire me to move forward in life.


It was another friday afternoon.
I was in a waiting room of “DharamShila Cancer Hospital and Research Centre”.
Inside a day care ward, my Nanu was being given blood units so that to enhance his immunity. For initiating the chemotherapy, he needed to be strong enough to bear the strong medication. If you get chance to see a blood unit vessel, observe a drop. In the pipe, it takes spherical shape, waits for a moment and then drops with a declaration,”Yes, I am life, I am entering in you.”
At this place I came across many human emotions.


In this hospital, i witnessed many tears, many smiles, cries, pains, efforts, selfless services. I guess the only other place where one can witness more variations of human nature is a war field. Sometimes I too feel that god would be envious of humans, after all we can feel which He can’t due to his magnanimity and divinity. I got a Nigerian friend there who came for the treatment of his sister. Nigerian government had sponsored her treatment.
I don’t remember his name…
But then friends don’t need also, they are simply friends.
I hardly remember surnames of my very dear friends.


A night before I had a long discussion with Nanu at home about his war experiences. When he told me his experiences, it was not less than watching any movie like, “Thin Red Line”, “Black Hawk Down” or “Saving Private Ryan”.
Off course real life is more interesting than reel life. In each Indian Army Unit there are 2 core units -medical and educational.
Nanu belonged to the educational one.
He was respected till his last days.
Getting 12 medals and retirement as honorary captain; needs too many brave tasks to do. Seeing so many tough terrains from Assam to Kashmir and so many war situations made him a legend for me at least.
Though men of educational core are not sent to war fronts but Nanu chose to fight.
In fact he fought all 3 wars.
Though you would be knowing some of the details of Indian War but still, I would like to share some of his tales.



Hyderbadi Merger:
After independence, most of the Indian independent estates were united by the Iron man of India that is “Sardar Patel”.
It was an impossible task but he made it done intelligently.
Intelligently because; he convinced them to merge using tricks or blackmailing sometimes. For example, Gwalior Estate was merged due to fear because the pistol used by Nathuram Godse was said to belonged to Gwalior Estate.
Hyderabad was the only remaining state which was isolated from India.
There was some Gen. Chaudhary who was in charge during the operation. Forces were accumulated. Nana was also in it. General asked the Nizam and threatened him that his daughter would be abducted if did not agree for the merger. It is said that there held a treaty with the Nizam at the breakfast table.
{
Do read the painful memories of Hyderabad merger at
http://www.boloji.com/analysis2/0233.htm
}



Chinese Attack:
He told his fade experiences about Indo-China war in 1962.
He gave some insights also. China opened some of the entertaining clubs which distracted very high level officials. Some of corrupted Indian officers did not notice the degrading situation and kept enjoying. I won’t put names here because I don’t have any proofs for this and I don’t have rights too. This is all what I got from him.


Yeah off course, the Indian army was not prepared for the war at that moment. When China was preparing 7 lines of attack, India had only 3 lines of defense. All rusted 303 rifles were not enough to stop the Chinese attack.Nanu was posted to Border just after 6 months of training at Pachmadhi, MP.
{
Check out for more details:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sino-Indian_War
}



Indo-Pak war (1965):
This was the war which he had most refreshed memories.
As he told, he was watching movie( on projector) in Army Unit at Babina (4th Horse) , UP.
Suddenly alarm rang. Half hour duration was enough to get ready.
In next few hours he was in a army truck with the driver.
He was in 4th Horse and ordered to move to Siyalkot sector.
His elder brother Dilip Singh ji, who was in 15th Rajput Infantry, posted to Lahore sector; while his eldest brother Ranjit Singh ji, who was in 61 Cavalry was posted to Atari.
When he was ready in uniform, he was not sure of where to move.
Though he was in-charge of 10 more trucks behind his, but he was not sure, where to move and what will be the next halt. What he knew that, he had to simply follow the truck in front of him. As he confessed that when all the carriers moved in a row, no truck was allowed to stop; this made him to pee in the truck only. In a journey of around 2 days, it stopped only for 4 times for the distribution of food and other normal activities of the soldiers.


He told that when he reached at the border, he had 4-5 soldiers with him in his team. One of them was Muslim, Juber Ahmed. Some others in the troop were blaming him and his community for the war. It was Nanaji, who kept him with himself always, even while peeing; otherwise people were ready to kill him before they kill enemy.


His team was provided some ration, ammunition and some earth digging equipments (for trenches). As he explained that India keeps 3 lines of defence.

1) Infantry: It includes the front line of soldiers who have guns and move fearlessly.
2) Tanks: After Infantry, tank battalion moves around 20-30 Km behind.
3) Artillery: Artillery moves around 40-50 Km behind Infantry.
4) OP: Then there is an OP ( I am not sure of the full form) who is basically a group of army intelligence in the enemy territory. This is the most risky job doing team. It includes JCOs and officers. They have a transmitter; using which they keep giving geographical coordinates of the enemy to the men in artillery. After receiving information from OP, Artillery fires at the exact location. A miss, can kill our soldiers too, which is quite often.



Nana told that during those days India had Centurion tank which was quite famous for its tactics. So now Nana was moving inside the Pak territory. It was a very fertile land. It was greens all around. Sugarcane crops and dry fruits trees were spread all around.
Army men were moving ahead fearlessly enjoying the sugarcane and other fruits in their fields. They covered miles and miles until they find any human.
It was in after noon when they heard some engine sound.
Everyone was wondering till they find a fighter plane firing at them.
Reds spilled on the green fields.
It took few moments which transformed the silence into noise.
Transformation of courage into fear….
Dream into reality……
They never knew if this was the real war.
They had heard it in books and newspapers but seen death first time.
Chill moved till the last point of their ribs.
They ran back.
They ran, ran and ran …. ............
They were not ready to die so quickly.
They stopped only when their commanding officers who were coming back met them behind. They asked them to stop and move again towards enemy territory.
The officers threatened them to move forward or unless they would be shot dead.
Death comes so easily; they never knew.
So they sincerely obeyed the orders, they didn’t have choice too.
When man doesn’t have any choice or all choices lead to same result, man chooses to be brave.


They opened the mouth of their guns and moved ahead. They dig trenches at some of the places and hid inside. Enemy planes came 3-4 times a day, dropped bombs.
Whenever fighter planes returned back, they got chance to move forward. Planes came in night also and used to hover till they find any light. All soldiers were advised not to light any “bidi” also.


When they almost reached the Sialkot, they found empty villages, opened shops.
When Indian Air force entered into picture, many had died already.
When they reached into the towns, Indian government had ordered for cease-fire.
Men died …Nations lived.



War till end
Nanu kept fighting till his last days. He was a man of honor.
When I asked him about the importance of war, he told me that the life is worth for fighting. Nobody likes to kill other, but when you are attacked by, you fight for your existence.
He fought when he was attacked by the tumor in his liver.
It is true probably; what Red said in Shwashank Redemption,” Get busy living or Get busy dying.”
Life really is worth fighting for, worth struggling for.